I put out a survey awhile back asking what my readers and clients really needed help with. The number one response I got back was PATIENCE.
There is no two ways about it. Parenthood requires a boatload of patience. Without an abundance of it, we find ourselves losing our cool, and our marbles more often than we are comfortable with. We yell, we cry, we get into fights with our kids and our spouses. Then we feel guilty because we lost it, and said or did things that we regret. It’s really a bad scene. I’ve been there.
So what is patience and how do we get more of it?
When you lose your patience, it’s because you’ve been triggered. Something someone has said or done has activated a wad of emotion that you have stored inside of you and you blow. Most of the time when you are triggered, you become unconscious and are running on programming that you are not directly controlling. When I say unconscious, I don’t mean lying on the floor drooling. I mean that you are not consciously selecting your actions or words in that moment. If you feel into the experience of being triggered you will likely find that you feel tight, closed, like there isn’t enough room inside of you for all the emotion you are feeling. I know I feel rather like a volcano, spewing fire and brimstone, most of the time from my mouth. Yikes.
So what do you do about that?
I created a resource to help diffuse a trigger when it’s happening. Find that here. This will help you to come out of a trigger quickly, and not inflict as much damage on yourself and others. In turn, you won’t end up feeling guilty. In fact, you will feel pretty good about yourself 🙂
Once you gain the skill of being able to see a trigger consciously, you now have the opportunity to do the work that will shut that trigger down for good. I am going to create a resource for that process as well, but truth be told that work is better done with support the first few times until you get the hang of it. I will write more about this step soon.
As you do this work, you will notice that you are triggered less and less, and more patience will emerge. It’s really quite easy to do.
Ultimately, patience is about opening up, not shutting down. It’s about connecting deeply inside of yourself, becoming intimate with your deep inner life. Patience is about softness, flexibility and compassion. Anger, triggers and your “shadow parent” are rigid, and cause you to close down. To the extent that we can connect with ourselves and become soft, we will develop patience.
It’s not a path for the faint of heart, but it IS the path to healing. It takes courage, not cleverness, compassion, not control.
and when you walk it, you will wonder why you walked any other way.