Hello, my name is Stephanie and I am a recovering control freak.
My head brain likes to know all the variables so it can predict the outcome of any and every situation. When it encounters a surprise situation, like say, our landlords wanting to sell our home, it kicks into overdrive. It starts with all the worst case scenarios, like how we are going to end up living in a card board box on the street because rent in our city is currently insanely high. It follows this up with every possible negative thought about how I have been irresponsible and could have been more prepared for this. This continues until, at some point, it starts working on solutions.
This last step could take days or weeks to arrive at.
And we only have five days.
My wonderful brain is doing it’s best to do its job as it sees it, trying to keep me alive and safe. Trouble is, safe is boring. Safe is stagnant. Safe isn’t growth.
Growth is inherently dangerous, because it is partly destructive. A seed can’t become a tree without destroying all of its former self, right? It kicks off its casing, and digests it’s own insides to manifest its potential. Caterpillars are the same. They literally liquify in order to become butterflies.
Well, someone is selling my cocoon.
In all fairness, we had intentions of making the move to buy our place within the next year. Somehow, the universe has offered us the opportunity NOW, and the opportunity is time sensitive. As in, you have five days to get your shit together.
Remember all those survival behaviours I was talking about earlier? Ya, we have no time for those now. What I need in order to create the best possible outcome for all concerned is a clear head, a calm body and a definiteness of purpose.
I also need to surrender. Let go. Trust the process.
This is scary AF, and also amazingly empowering.
See, surrender is a practice. It’s a muscle, and like any other muscle it can be trained and strengthened. This goes for all habits, by the way. They are just muscles, and they get stronger the more often you use them.
I intentionally practice using these muscles everyday in my morning routine. I meditate, which is a practice in letting go, over and over again. I have probably meditated for over 10,000 minutes over the years, likely more, and those 10,000 minutes have been spent letting go. Over and over. Noticing where I am holding on, and letting go. I practice it with my kids, letting go of controlling them and opting instead to control myself. Surrendering to what I can’t control and attending instead to what I can. Letting go of the nasty woman at the store, letting go of the annoying neighbour, letting go of my angst over politics, letting go of that client who is being difficult. Just letting go. Over and over again, each time the muscle getting that much stronger.
And now it’s go time.
I know I have made improvements because I am not freaking out. I am curious about the feelings I am experiencing and I am harnessing the calm I have cultivated to have through this with self control and optimism. I can’t control the outcome, but I can control who I am through the process. I can control what I believe, and what I think, and how I respond. I can control my alignment with the best outcome.
And I can trust.
I will let you know how it goes. xoxo Steph