Sometimes, when you are a warrior and you have dedicated yourself to honing your skill at facing your dragons, you get surrounded by more of the beautiful, ferocious beasts than you bargained for.
For a long while I have been rock solid with my self-care, my inner peace and my boundaries. But, as fate would have it, I have lately found myself surrounded by more dragons than I am skilled at handling.
It didn’t happen all at once, they crept up bit by little bit. I was fine with one, good with two, and three, but as four, five and six crept up, the fear began to creep in.
I know fear, we are well acquainted. As I have trained to be a warrior, I have learned to make fear my ally, my friend. It no longer lurks around dark corners and causes me to shrink away. It prickles in my skin and tells me what is to come, calling forth my courage and candor.
When you first start out, fear comes at you in waves and knocks you down. As you practice, you begin to be able to navigate the waves and keep your feet. After a while, the waves become smaller and smaller, until you are able to navigate almost all of them.
This is before the storms hit, and the storms will knock you down. You will at first think you have somehow lost your skill, and that all your training has been for naught, but you would be incorrect. It is just the weather changing, and calling you to change along with it.
You will find yourself face down again, your mouth full of sand, and your ears filled with the roaring water pressed in on all sides by the maddening tide. You won’t drown, you will just feel as though you are eternally suffocating. And then you will find purchase, Maybe with one hand, maybe just one fingertip, and you will slowly begin to rise up.
So it is with dragons. You become skilled at handling one. Then you try two. You get kicked around a bit, maybe wounded, then you find your feet and you prevail. Add a third and the same will happen again. And a fourth. Each new level calls forth more strength and skill in you, showing you your limitations and vulnerabilities and urging you higher.
You can always turn tail and run, but that is not the path of the warrior.
The fear and pressure I have been facing is a new level for me, but I am working to grow, and so this was inevitable. I didn’t consciously call it down, or expect it to happen in quite this way, but so it goes with life. You face what you face or you turn tail and run.
I choose to face my dragons.
I will parry and thrust, observe and engage. And then I will rest.
And I will come back and do it again tomorrow.
That is how I get stronger.
To grow into the person I am calling forth from within, I must become stronger, learn to stand my ground more firmly, and how to protect my vulnerability. I will need to know when to engage, and when to retreat and rest. I will need to be able to listen to the sound of the wind, and the signals of my dueling partners. I will need to be wise, and wily.
And I am only just beginning.
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