When Shit goes Sideways

“I had to make you uncomfortable, or else you wouldn’t have moved. “ The Universe

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Ya, thanks for that. 

I mean, I get that growth is a good thing. I know this so deeply that I have made a commitment to it in my life. Like, if I am going to be alive, I might as well be growing. I am all in for that. 

The thing that gets me is that somehow I thought that by going all in and saying yes to growth, I would somehow get prewarnings before shit went seriously sideways. Turns out, that’s not the case. Which is fine. It’s fine. I’m fine. Everything is fine. 

Sound a little manic do I? 

It’s because I am, or at least I sometimes am. 

See, my husband came home some weeks ago having lost his job. 

Imagine, he had been off for a week of vacation. We had enjoyed each others company, and I had sent him off to work that Friday morning, and then proceeded to go about my business. The kids were days away from going back to school, so there were little preparations to see to for that, birthdays coming up that I was preparing for, and my favourite month almost upon us – the one where the kids go back to school and I get my office back. 

I set about chopping some veggies to make lunch, and as I sliced through the cold romaine, tuna sitting ready, and tomatoes already prepared, my husband walks back through the door, not an hour after he had left. 

Obviously I was immediately curious what he was doing in my kitchen, and said so, a slight buzzing in my head beginning. 

He’d lost his job. 

Unable to process, or even take in this news, I simply turned back to the romaine and kept cutting, hands beginning to shake. 

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FUCK. 

Now, you will have noticed, I am sure, that it has taken me weeks to be ready to write about this. That’s because it has taken me quite a while to come to terms with my own feelings, deal with my own anger, fear, and anxiety over this sudden turn of events, and find the hope, possibility and even opportunity and joy in it. 

Life happens. It has a way of happening unexpectedly, throwing wrenches into the works of things that seem to be in perfect working order. I was comfortable, at ease in my routines, and frankly, avoiding growth that I knew I wanted and needed. 

He had been unhappy for some time in his work, and had been halfheartedly looking for other places to house his many talents, and unequivocal work ethic. But it had only been with half his heart. Now, he has time to do it with his whole heart. 

We don’t know what the future holds. Honestly, we have never known, but there are things that give us a sense of security, that lull me into believing that I can predict what is going to happen tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year. 

It’s not true, but it feels good to believe it. 

I have gone from horror, to trepidation, to anger, to hope, to possibility, to excitement over what could be next for us. 

I am brave enough to take on this next chapter. 

And I am going to walk this path with you. 

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