Day 1

Today is day 1.

I am not calling yesterday day 1. Yesterday was day 0. Like ground zero, where the bomb hits. 

I saw it coming a mile away, but you can’t know how hard it’s going to be until you’re in it, right? In my mind, I knew it was going to be hard, but I didn’t know how hard until I was sitting across the table from him while he ate his breakfast, determined, yet unable to, keep from crying.

I wanted to send him off with a smile. I wanted him to know that I would be okay, that the kids and I would be okay, and that I was so proud of him for taking a new leap in a new direction. My mind knew all of these things, but my heart had different plans. 

My heart knew that my partner was leaving. 

And the reality is, he has moved out. His things are all gone: his shaving kit, his shampoo, his pillow, his towel, even his phone charger, and iPad. Most of his clothes went with him. It’s all gone. He doesn’t live here anymore. 

He will visit, of course, it’s not like I am never going to see him again, but things have changed in a way that they have never changed before. It’s a whole new game now. 

And yesterday, well, yesterday I needed to grieve the last chapter as it closed. I didn’t see that coming. I had hoped I would rally by the afternoon, but the entire day was a write-off. The funny thing is, he saw it coming. He knew what I didn’t. Funny how we know our partners better than they know themselves sometimes. 

Here’s what I know for sure. 

This new chapter holds amazing things for us. We are going to a beautiful new city, and I am certain that there are opportunities and possibilities there that I cannot even conceive of. I know that we will be fine while we are apart. Technology is magic and I can reach out to him anytime. We will stay connected. I know that I needed to hold space for myself yesterday and surrender to the feelings that wouldn’t be ignored. They were irrational, and illogical and would not be dissuaded by what my mind knew. All my feelings knew was that I don’t want to do this, I don’t want him to go. And I needed to let that be ok. 

Today is a new day, the start of a brand new chapter. I am showered, my to-do lists are made, and I am ready to rock this bitch. There was a time when a day like yesterday would have taken me down for weeks or months, but I don’t live there anymore. I have moved to a better place, a place where I can hold space for my hurting and then rally and continue to kick ass. 

It’s okay to feel it, it’s okay to grieve. It’s not okay to live there. 

Life is full of first days. The story is in progress, and a new chapter has started. Let this page be the first of what is going to be an incredible journey, full of things I have never done before, a 40th birthday, preparing and selling a house, buying a new one that is everything I want and need, a new city, new people, new opportunities and the next level of becoming me, becoming us. 

Bring it, universe. I’ve got my lipstick on and I’m ready. 

Let’s do this thing

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